How to be part of a bandwagon trend – Ten surefire ways to be a hipster

by Craig on Mar.20, 2010, under Articles

1. Tell all your friends Lady Gaga is awesome. Listen to nothing but her records. Memorize the words (It shouldn’t be too hard, it’s mostly ooh mow mow).

2. Put the words ‘R.I.P. Michael Jackson’ on everything. It doesn’t matter if you are 13 years old or 47, or even if you liked his music while he was alive. Michael Jackson is pop music’s B.I.G. or 2pac – Remember, when 2pac and B.I.G. died, everyone made a big deal about who was the greatest, and their names still get dropped – To sell records and promote useless music that sounds nothing like Biggie or 2pac and to build an ‘in crowd’. Hell, even if you hate Michael Jackson. Putting R.I.P. Michael Jackson will make you one of the popular people.

3. Quote lines from movies that people have seen hundreds of times as if they are new and original. Particularly, if it’s a movie that came out recently, just keep quoting it. Or if it’s a movie like Fight Club that has actual substance, quote all of the lines as if you actually can relate to any of the characters in the movie, even though you’ve never thrown a single punch in your life.

4. Invent a career in pop/rap music even though you can’t actually sing, thanks to autotune. Namedrop a bunch of big stars like P. Diddy. Get a producer that sounds like he built all of his beats on an Atari 2600. Which connects to the next step:

5. Six Degrees of Lady Gaga: If you can, get Lady Gaga on your album. If you can’t, get artists that she also has done songs with. Don’t even attempt to disguise it at all! If that fails, just try your hardest to sound like Lady Gaga or Michael Jackson. Do cover songs. Even if it sounds just like the original or worse, someone will buy it!

6. Wear the most expensive jeans you can find. Sure, they’re made in the same factory as the $20 Levis, but you don’t really care! Everyone will love your fabulous and amazing style. Which leads to the next point:

7. Throw money around like it grows on trees, even in the middle of an economic crisis. You don’t need stocks or bonds, or a business. What you need is giant $4,000 Minnie Mouse style Aviators. No, it doesn’t matter that you live in Michigan and it’s snowing and you only go out after 10 PM – You’ll be a hit, especially when you:

8. Do massive amounts of illegal drugs and/or make a sex tape. If you actually go to Rehab, it means you’ve hit it big. If they try to make you go to Rehab, say yes, yes, yes – It will get you TV coverage where you can pretend that you lead a tragic lifestyle which encourages your drug addiction. Score, you’re the victim! Media frenzy.

If someone ‘mysteriously discovers’ or ’steals’ your sex tape, even if you’re a die hard who talks about sex in every song (Kid Rock), tell everyone that the contents of the tape (even if you were having sex with 4 women at the same time) are immoral – No one should ever do that! Then, when no one is looking, spread the tape around even more while telling everyone not to watch it/do it. Watch your album sales soar – Even if the only people buying your stuff are perverts. Bonus points if you make a sex tape with Lady Gaga. Instant platinum album.

9. Convert to a different religion, publicly. This always fascinates people and people will ask why you did it. To which, of course, you say “to fix my lifestyle, I no longer believe in the records I used to sell/movies I used to be in/etc.”. The real reason you’re doing this? You’ve exhausted your old core audience, they own all your stuff, they’re still your fans. By selling out to religion, you open up a whole new target audience of people who were too ‘clean’ or ‘pure’ to listen to your songs about fast cars and women back in the 90s/80s/70s/60s. However, if it doesn’t work, you can just go back to the mainstream.

10. Marry someone who has a better career than you do. Particularly effective – Become a backup dancer for a female pop/R&B singer. See also: Nick Cannon, Kevin Federline, etc. Don’t divorce them, you’ll wind up fat and broke – Just continue to leech as long as you can! Get every last drop of monetary and press goodness. You can even make horrible albums and people will buy them, and get away with their horrible content – So long as you don’t get divorced.

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